hello fear

by Idinma | Feb 1, 2021 7 min read

confronting fear

I've wanted to write for as long as I can remember. At the same time, I have struggled with naming myself a writer for several reasons, not the least ridiculous of which is that I don't have a best-selling book or essay. The gag is: I don't have a book at all. The idea that practice makes perfect is one that I learned from a young age, and a few years ago, I came across the 10,000-hour rule while reading Malcolm Gladwell's best-selling book: Outliers. If you're unfamiliar with this rule, it's the simple yet powerful idea that 10,000 hours of deliberate practice is the key to becoming an expert in any field. The point is: writing, like almost everything else, is a skill that gets better with practice, and I've known this for a long time. But somehow, this knowledge—even coupled with encouragement from my friends and family—has never been enough to propel me out of my comfort zone where I keep my writing to myself or keep from writing at all.

If you are reading this right now, it means that something has changed because I am finally sharing my work. But before I go into that, I want to name the thing that has held me back all this time: fear. I have always thought about fear as something to be embarrassed about, but I'm learning to remind myself that fear is a natural and valid human emotion, and not something to feel ashamed of. I have always fancied myself a creative person, and I have had the good fortune of having my creativity affirmed by the people closest to me. Yet, I have never let myself explore my creativity to the extent that I know I am capable of. Every time I find myself pushing the boundaries of my ingenuity, fear clouds my mind and feeds me lies, usually preceded by a "What if." 

"What if...

...I am not good enough?"

...I don't have what it takes to keep this up?"

...nobody wants to hear what I have to say?"

...there isn't enough room for everyone in this space?"

...my voice is lost in the noise?"

...everyone thinks I'm weird?"

... I feel differently 10 years from now?"

 ...and the list goes on and on. I have realized that I can only be afraid for so long, and when my fears and doubts come up to the surface, I need to remind myself of the truth.

For every doubt I may have about trying something new, the truth is far greater, and if I pause for a second, I can hear it like a still small voice within me. When I look around me, the signs are everywhere. I see them in the pop-ups for website-building platforms and writing workshops that confirm that big brother is really watching and listening. I see them in content from friends and creators that I have surrounded myself with on my Instagram timeline. I've watched and listened long enough, and I'm done being afraid. Now, what to do?

picking a niche

Years of musing and observing have led me to the conclusion that although I want to be am a writer, I am also so much more. I exist at the intersection of so many identities and interests and idiosyncrasies and I am finally letting go of the idea that I have to pick a niche. There's nothing wrong with being an expert in your field; in fact, it is something I admire in others. But for many people, myself included, one thing doesn't stand out as a clear choice or path, and that's okay. Maybe something will reveal itself as I go along, but I have to do something other than sit around and wait for it to appear. I have to try new things. If they work out great; if they don't, that's one more thing I can add to the list of things I won't regret not having tried. To delve deeper into why I have struggled with the idea of picking a lane, I need to introduce myself, and considering that this is my debut piece of writing on this blog or newsletter (haven't even decided on this as I type), I should be introducing myself anyway.

if not now, then when?

if not me, then who?

My name is Idinma and I am an Igbo woman. I was born and raised in Nigeria and spent most of my time there nestled between two cites: Port-Harcourt and Lagos. I studied in an Anglican boarding school in Lagos for six years and then moved to the United States to study at an international high school in New Mexico (another boarding experience) for two years before going on to study Economics at the University of Oklahoma. During my time in undergrad, I spent a semester abroad in Paris (I know, I know: studies abroad one time, won't shut up about it; sue me). I moved to Austin, TX after graduation to work full time, and a year later, I have found myself in a master's degree program in Boston, MA—in the middle of a pandemic, no less. I have lived in a few places, and travelled to even more. Each new place brings with it various lessons, challenges, new friends and experiences, and I am learning to appreciate them all. I have picked up several interests and I am still exploring all the different parts of myself and all the things that make me human and divine.

I am interested in writing, reading, poetry, photography, travelling, fashion, aesthetics, self-care, skin care, mental health, physical health, meditation, mindfulness, spirituality, faith, behavioral economics, socioeconomic inequality, justice in society, financial literacy, homeownership, the environment, podcasts, music, film, television, theatre, knitting, biking, baking, and I think the point is clear by now. Since moving to the States, I have also had to lean into my identity as a Black woman and take on the label of "international student" because it is quite literally impossible not to do so. More recently, I am choosing to embrace my identity as an Igbo woman as my own personal revolution (but more on that another time). I want to share my experiences as a Black Nigerian woman and an international student because I hope that doing so can help others. I want to continue to explore and share the things I am passionate about and they are legion (clearly), so I have decided that I don't have to pick a lane. I also realize that I need to start somewhere. Through all my interests, the one thing that stands out to me as encompassing all else is that regardless of what I do, I want to tell stories. As I type this, I realize that storytelling is a niche in of itself, but I know that I want to tell different kinds of stories, and I want to tell them in multiple ways.

stepping out in faith

So, here it is! I am taking a leap of faith and following my heart. The result is this space and I hope that you will follow along on my journey as I come into my own as a creative human. Welcome to idinma.com. I’m not quite sure what it’s going to be, but it’s here and I'm thrilled it's out in the world.