a reckoning in the city of brotherly love
by Idinma | Oct 6, 2024
When was the last time you were faced with an uncomfortable truth about yourself? Did you come to it of your own accord or were you confronted by someone or something else? What feelings did it bring up?
I went through a reckoning of sorts during a weekend trip to Philly, and I'll get into all that in a bit, but first, I want to tell you about this trip and how it breathed new life into me
A Tourist in Philly
I had the loveliest time in Philly when I visited for the first time only a few weeks ago. It just didn’t sit right with me that I lived so close and had never been, so when the stars aligned, I took a Friday off from work and an afternoon train down to the city of brotherly love. A friend had graciously offered to host me, and she planned the perfect itinerary that allowed me to see so many beautiful parts of the city and eat as much (read: more) delicious food as I could handle
We visited the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival in Franklin Square one evening, and celebrated the Year of the Dragon with stunning light displays, yummy food and cultural performances. The next day, we visited the Southeast Asian Market at FDR park and tried everything from stuffed squid to fish cakes and beef twa ko. We left with full hearts, tired feet, and bellies full of Khmer food
scenes from Philly: Gazebo at FDR Park
We walked around Center City, listened to live music in Rittenhouse Square, and unexpectedly caught a glimpse of the 2024 Philly Naked Bike Ride (it's a thing, look it up!). We window shopped at a few of my favourite stores, and finally went home to decompress over tea and Bob's Burgers (which I had somehow never seen before). The next day, I took a long walk around University City, and stumbled upon the "Communion between a rock and a hard place" landmark mural - an art project created to foster community for veterans returning home to Philly. The words on the mural were a welcome reminder to detach from my obsession with the destination and find joy in the journey
scenes from Philly: A mural in University City | The words on the mural say: "Ask yourself if your journey will take you somewhere you will want to stay. I intend to be happy on the journey instead of delaying my joy until the destination, experiencing life present and vibrant alive on the beautiful world we are creating."
We dressed up to brunch at University City and took the scenic route home through Woodland Walk, pausing to admire the Love Sculpture at the University of Pennsylvania where my friend is pursuing a doctorate degree. She gave me the best mini-tour [Wharton MBA, is that you calling?] before it was time to go back home to NYC. One of the many highlights of my trip was discovering a childhood snack I didn’t even know existed outside of Nigeria. I only ate chaleku (or Icheku) a handful of times growing up, and I squealed for joy when I spotted it in a basket at the Asian food market! Philly was so good to me, and I'll simply have to return - especially since I didn't a chance to check out this Ethiopian chicken shop whose menu looks simply divine!
scenes from Philly: Photo Carousel | part Canon camera, part Kodak 35mm film, part HUJI Cam, part Adobe Lightroom
A Reckoning in Philly
You've probably guessed this already, but a big part of my lovely experience on this trip was thanks to my friend, who did most of the planning, and showed me so much kindness in the city of brotherly love. She insisted on picking me up from the train station, shared her lovely home and spare keys in case I wanted to move around without her. She took the time to come up with ideas she thought I might enjoy, and checked in with me every step of the way. My friend navigated us expertly around the city, and was the best tour guide a girl could ask for. She fed me so well, and took countless pictures of me (tireless work, I assure you) and finally saw me off to the train station
Now, you might read this and think that my outline of things my friend had done sounds like Standard Friendship Behavior, and you might be correct. During the trip, I felt thankful for her kindness, and I also knew that everything was set up for me to just show up and have a good time, but this second part is where things got a bit complicated. I found that I simply had a difficult time accepting her hospitality, often pushing back on it to the point of almost ruining the trip for myself. On the train ride home, I began to reflect on why this may have been the case and I realized that some of it came down to these uncomfortable truths about myself
I have been very independent for so long and don't like to be perceived as needing help because I think it makes me appear weak. Oddly, I don’t think anyone weak, who needs my help…
I have come to internalize this role of "helper" and feel it is my duty to do what I can to help others around me, but have a really hard time accepting help from others even though I long to be cared for in the same way
I feel trapped in this prison of "helper" - the foundations of which were not laid by my own hands (thanks, society), but which I have helped reinforce by layering on bricks of resentment for: (1) Myself - for not always knowing how to establish and honor the boundaries I need to break free; and (2), Others - for not helping me even though I tend to reject help when it's offered
Somewhere along the way, I decided that my only options were to ignore my growing resentment, and continue to do everything on my own, while begrudgingly taking pains to give others the care that I so desperately want to receive in return. Clearly, this isn’t working out great for me as I’m learning that my “good girl” conditioning and people-pleasing ways are only becoming more untenable the older I get
scenes from Philly: Stubborn as an Ox | taken at the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival in Franklin Square. (guess who was born in the year of the [stubborn] Ox?)
Growing up as the oldest daughter (only daughter too in my case) in Nigerian society, it was all too easy to build up the impenetrable armor of hyper-independence fortified with perfectionism, and even easier to learn the not-so-subtle art of people-pleasing at my own expense. I grew accustomed to doing bad all by myself, so much so that even when people do reach out a helping hand, I swat that shit away (metaphorically ofc) because I have trouble accepting anything that remotely smells like help. I also struggle with asking for it but it's sobering to realize that I even have a hard time accepting help that is freely offered
It's recently occurred to me that I must not think I deserve help. Otherwise, why would I feel uncomfortable to the point of lashing out at people who care about me and/or genuinely want to help me, even with the smallest of things? I am learning that I need to remind myself that I am deserving of help, and that it is okay to ask for and accept help, especially in moments where my default is to run away from it. I joked to a friend just the other day about how I'm now in my princess era because I no longer say no when people offer to help me carry something up the subway stairs, or help stow my luggage away in the overhead compartment when I'm travelling. Although this particular change was mostly inspired by my desire to not break my literal back trying to be a big man, I know that it's also a step towards the right direction of reframing my perspective around help and being undeserving of it
scenes from Philly: Garden Bench
Reminders for when I struggle with letting others help
Needing help is not a sign of weakness
Asking for help does not make me incapable
I am deserving of being supported
[person] wants to help lighten the load; I will allow them
The world is not on my shoulders
I don't have to carry every personal burden alone
I am learning how to accept help
I will be kind to myself in this moment
I will pause and remember that I am human and give myself some grace
There's more to the reckoning (people-pleasing and perfectionism to name two), but we can’t be here all day, so let’s unpack the rest another time.
If you read this far, let me know in the comments whether you struggle with asking for help or accepting it from others? What is a practical way that you will remind yourself that it's okay to put down your cape and let others help you?
